What's your body Story?
Do you hold space for your body as she has been holding space for you? Do you love on her? Thank her? Honor her? Do you consciously, intensely focus on your womb, your vagina and all that lies between those thighs?
My body has been asking for attention for so long. She's put in a request to be decolonized. She's filled out a slip to be loved just as she is. She's pulled a ticket and is standing in line waiting for me to remember what she's gone through.
I am slowly gently creating space to honor my body's request to be seen...by me.
I was 17 years old when a ovarian cyst that I did not know that I had, burst. I was asleep one hot Brooklyn summer night. It was a Friday and I had gone to bed early. The pain was so excruciating that it jolted me awake, my sister hearing me in pain, told me it was probably gas and gave me some pills. It helped and I went back to sleep.
The next day I went to my summer Teleoperator job on 50 something street near the West Side Highway in Manhattan. The blocks are long in that area and the trains don't run all the way to the edge of the West of Manhattan. The subways are more central, or inland if you will. I say this because from the time I had been awoken by the pain the night before, I had been bleeding internally. The whole subway ride, the long walk to the office and the whole morning until our first break when I found that I could not move the lower part of my body as I was gripped and paralyzed by the pain.
What was my body saying?
I had been bleeding internally for three days. Somehow, blood was slowly leaking from the cyst and into my stomach. The next 2 days played out like a movie that I simply do not have the space to share it all. Fortunately, my best friend from 9 years old, worked on the same job with me and was able to give the police, emergency room and all doctors my personal information because I could not speak.
but pain speaks volumes.
I had not had a proper diagnosis or real care until my body started to go into shock. By Sunday morning my father and my another best friend (we were a trio) went to the second emergency room at the second hospital. The nurse took my vitals and then yelled "she's going into shock" She then whipped the wheel chair around and raced me down the hall. I was slumped over in the wheel chair but I was clear, conscious and very calm. I was hyper focused on the feelings of being in shock. After hearing the term used figuratively so many times I was surprised of the contrasting calm I felt being in a real state of shock.
By the time this was over I had several painful vaginal exams all from men. It wasn't until I went to the health center in college that the idea of requesting a woman nurse with small hands was an option that I didn't previously know was available to me. It was a gift.
Lesson #1: it's ok to ask for the uncommon to make yourself comfortable.
My body story has been one of pain and prodding of my body parts. From the cyst to urinary tract and yeast infections, to no period for months at a time to the smashing of my breast between two steel plates to see if I had breast cancer starting in my mid 20's because my mother succumb to the disease and although this is a low factor in determining if a woman develops breast cancer, my doctor insisted it be apart of my care.
Lesson #2: Educate yourself on you and take control of your care. Doctors have a general one half of the story and you have the other unique half, a personal blueprint that is you. Our elevated care involves our participation.
I've had two miscarriages, one with a d& c procedure. I've had a cervical biopsy and a breast biopsy, to having to self administer a needle in my pregnant belly every day for 9 months to make sure I came full term with my second pregnancy.
And I did! My daughter is a blessing. She's singing right now as I write this!
and now pre menopause.
Lesson #3: As a woman, give yourself permission to love every stage and every part of your womanly self. Our complaints, mistreatment, miseducation and self hate manifest in emotional dis harmony, sickness and dis ease.
My body has been calling me into deeper relationship with her and I am answering. I don't know what that will look like at this moment I just know what I'd like it to feel like: Home.
Lesson #4: The body tells it's story and it does not lie. Even when we do.
Lesson #5: Our doing doing doing, giving giving giving, fixing fixing fixing drowns out the subtle whispers of our body until she roars demanding our attention requiring we be still.
What about you? What's your body saying, right now? Besides feed me, bath me, dress me up.
One hand on heart, one hand on belly!
Deep breath, closing your eyes on the exhale, then tell your body:
I'm here and I'm listening.
Love Jill
P.S
Are you ready to explore your story? Perhaps it's your body story or another life story that causes you anguish and shame. A story that you know doesn't reflect who you are or where you are today or where you are going.
If you are ready to release the grip on your old stuff and create a new empowering love infused narrative then I would like to invite you to the next Black Women's Healing Circle coming this Sunday March 14th, 2021 at 6pm
We call the circle to heal, transform and create our
empowered love infused Black Woman Narrative!
Register Here: https://www.jillflowers.com/so/63NWKdD_E?languageTag=en