I gave birth to my son and I got scared. This was my first child. A boy, a black American boy growing up in Brooklyn USA. I had the privilege and the honor of being a steward over this man child. It was exhilarating, it was beautiful and I was freaked out. Logic dictates that I should not be allowed to leave the hospital and take this 2 day old human being to my house and care for it for the next 20 years. Who does that? No license, no permit, not even one test to see if I qualify. Not one person chased us down as we left the hospital yelling "hey where you going with that baby?" But we got away with our son and Day 1 of MommyHood outside of the hospital began. My brain, body and emotions were on overload. My biggest thought was who was going to help us? Ok, what I was really thinking was who was going to help me! We were surrounded by people. My husband and I know probably thousands of people but who was in our intimate space that could really support our new family. It takes a village right? Where was my village? I do not have a ton of friends and my one bestie was in Atlanta. Then there was my mother. She had died years ago. How do I do this without my mother? How do I do this without my mother? How in the hell do I do this without Mommy?
Fear had set in.
Fear had actually started to move in when I first found out I was having a boy but thats another story. What I did not realize was that I had a choice.
Lesson #1 - You always have a choice. There are usually two paths. One is a smooth beautifully paved path, like a road you find in Beverly Hills. Feels so good gliding down that road, you call almost smell the scent of flowers in the air, it's the smell of your comfort zone staying in tact, not being stretched. Contrary to what I've heard, there is good here, especially if rest is what you seek.
The other path is dark, rocky, bumpy, there are turns and twist and you can't see around them. There is a scent here as well, it is the smell of your skin stretching, mixed with blood and tears and if I can recall from the other day being on this road, the scent of burnt rubber is in the air. There is a flickering light but it won't stay on because you haven't realized that the light is you. But you will.
I needed help but I didn't know how to ask. That was never a practice of mine. I needed the elders in my family to surround me. But I did not ask. I needed my girlfriends to stop thinking I was so busy with my new baby that I wouldn't come out for a drink. I actually did send out invites and emails but I was not heard. (When you are standing in your power you have clarity, therefore you are seen, heard and valued, everyone incapable of this will fall away) I needed my husband to rethink some of our agreements and compromise some of our previously made plans to accommodate that I was a different person now. But I did not ask. I needed acknowledgement that I wasn't crazy. That my depression was real. That my hormones were actually doing what they were supposed to do. That absolutely everything was figuring itself out. But I did not ask for what I needed. And in each denial I moved further and further away from my truth and began to drip my power like a slow air leak.
Lesson # 2 - Your voice is the most important tool in communicating your power. Ask for what you want but most certainly ask for what you need. What do you need to get the job done? How do you need to be supported? and how much? Express your concerns about how something makes you feel? Do you need more time, more space? Do it now. Not when you've let it build up and your ready to explode. That is the point of disempowerment. Your opinion has value, speak up. We are told by The Master Teacher Jesus to ask and it shall be given. Ask & Tell. This is the first big lesson I taught my daughter. She will now tell you with all confidence if you do anything she does not like "I do not like it when you..." and I support her even when it's me she has to confront.
So I chose the road of least resistance. Who wouldn't, I was a new wife, new mother, taking care of my aging Dad. I was vulnerable and scared. Then my father died and I to recalibrate. I did not have the luxury of being vulnerable any longer and avoiding what was true for me. I had to make some extremely important decisions. Decisions that changed the trajectory of my life. I had to come face to face with my own power structure, my deficits, and most of all the fear of using my voice. Not screaming what I want or forcing it. I mean powerful sharing what the situation called for, allowing other people to choose and providing the consequences of those decisions. In other cases I needed to decide then act. And I did.
Lesson #3 - Find out where you power resides. My power resides in my grace. In that time I learned and cultivated rage because I didn't use my voice but God showed me grace. Goodness has always rained on me, even when I felt like I had to work for that good or fight for that good. God showed me Grace. I acknowledge that which was given to me through the graciousness I show others. I am a spit fire, I am a fierce woman and I am becoming more and more the woman I want to be. The Queen shows grace. As a woman of grace, I can hold the highest vision for you, while you act a fool. Despite what you may think of me, I stand in my power as a woman of grace and send light. I will hold your high vision in the midst of your dark night because it was held for me. This is how I am able to be your Coach, Mentor and Soul Activist. It is through true ownership of my truth that resides in my divine assignment to take you from Pain to Power to Purpose.
So where does your power reside? What is your unmovable, immutable, exhilarating strength? I know without a doubt you have one or ten and I know that when you are in your power, it frees others and yourself. Are you still wondering? I'll repeat, your power will free you! Your power will free you!
Jill Flowers is the Spiritual Curator for The Soul Depot and The Soul Activist using Metaphysical Principle to take people from Pain to Power to Purpose. She lives in Brooklyn, NY with her husband and two children.
For info on hiring her for transformational coaching and speaking: JillFlowers.com TheSoulDepot.com