Fine Not Fine.

If you're like me, you've had moments of everything being fine. Moments of peace, feelings of being in a good place and knowing that you can handle all that has come your way. And then, like me, you have moments when you hear the cheering for the frontline workers at 7pm or you see something that normally would not spark emotion and you find yourself bawling. For me, it's the empty streets of New York City. It's the unavailability of the most basic items that remind me of this global shift out of the things I use to know. I use to know lingering at the grocery store, going in to grab a few things and leaving with a three bags of groceries. Now I go to the grocery store with a list of exactly what's needed and leave as quickly as I can. Now, I make sure that I don't wear my clothes into the house but leave them in my hallway and disinfect my shoes. Now in my new normal I clean my keys and the locks they go into.

In those moments I am not fine.

There are times when I am angry, anxious, judgmental, critical and so so so frustrated. The virus has visited upon my family and my germaphobia has found new and interesting ways to make sure the virus is cleansed of it's evil ways.

So if you're like me, you're cycling through FineNotFine and you may want to know how to deal with it. What do you do when you have a fine moment the state of which ushers in a not fine moment?

You let it happen.

That's actually where you have control. Because what we need now is to feel a sense of control over our world which makes us feel safe. And so it may not seem like much but once you give yourself permission to be in the schizophrenic cycle of finenotfine, the resistance falls away and somehow being fine last a little longer and you become fine with not fine and not fine doesn't last as long. You'll find yourself hanging on the fringe of higher and higher vibrations of kindness, gratitude and love.

I grieve for the families that have experienced deep unexpected loss. I cry when I hear folks cheering and pots clamoring for our health heroes on the front lines. I get angry at the stupidity of some who still choose to gather. I have also stopped pressing my back on the door that holds the darker parts of me inside. I have no strength for this type of spiritual suppression of myself any longer.

If you have found yourself in the cycle of FineNotFine, here's my invitation: Surrender. The resistance of trying to be something you have no business being will drop, the fight to remain silent when you want to scream, the struggle to remain calm when you want to have a mental riot. Surrender, the resistance will subside and you will feel lighter.

Sometimes the kindest thing you can do for yourself is be honest about your ability to give a fuck in any given moment. Ergo, accept what is, move through it by not judging yourself. (that's another act of self kindness) Be with it as long as you need but try not to go down the rabbit hole of emotions for days. Give yourself space is what I mean...hold that space for yourself and when you're ready be fine again. Rest and repeat.

To summarize:

Allow + Surrender + Accept + Rest + Repeat as Needed

Remember: Don't judge, Be Self Kind, Hold Self Space, Have a Cut Off, don't go down the rabbit hole.

with so much Love!

Jill

P.S

we'll be exploring this more in the Black Women's Healing Circle coming up this Sunday. If you'd like to join in on the new platform I'm using for the BWHC community, you can book a free ticket here: https://expertise.tv/webinar/black-women-s-healing-circle/landing/12207 I will also be introducing a spiritual support group during the circle to the attendees. There will only be 12 spaces available. Hope to see you in the circle!